Story Of A Mature Woman Shopper...!

My baby Sis sent me this piece about swim suit shopping for a mature woman.

It had so much humor in it that I wanted to share it. With just a few changes, this could easily apply to mature men as well!

Please note that this is meant only for entertainment, and isn't in any way meant to poke fun at all! After all there is a kernel of truth hidden in here somewhere!

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

P. S. My Granddaughter didn't know what a bathing suit was.....She said today they're called swim suits!!!

Like I said, I'm certainly not trying to make fun of anyone! However, I'll be the first to admit that my clothes do seem to be shrinking as I get older! Mostly around the middle...wonder why that is?

Fresh coffee out on the patio this morning. We may get a little shower later, but it's clear right now.

Funny Sunday Once Again...!

No one needs some giggles more than I do today!

I won't go into all the details at this time, but just let me say that I hope I don't ever have to go through another week like this last one! EVER!

Let's all share a little escapism by watching our good friend Wile Coyote, mainly because he always seems to have a worse day than mine!



As bad as I feel about the hard times the coyote goes through, I have to admit it makes me smile and gives me a little hope about this upcoming week! So with that in mind, let's watch another!



OK...time for some fresh coffee on the patio. You can watch me water the garden! OK?

The War Came To Oregon...!

This was something that probably wasn't talked about much in the media at the time.

The aftermath of any war is bad, and this incident is no exception. However, not a lot of Americans ever knew that Japanese bombs made their way to our shores, much less that some innocent Americans did lose their lives!

This is a very sad story on so many levels!

May 5, 1945:

Six killed in Oregon by Japanese bomb

In Lakeview, Oregon, Mrs. Elsie Mitchell and five neighborhood children are killed while attempting to drag a Japanese balloon out the woods. Unbeknownst to Mitchell and the children, the balloon was armed, and it exploded soon after they began tampering with it. They were the first and only known American civilians to be killed in the continental United States during World War II. The U.S. government eventually gave $5,000 in compensation to Mitchell's husband, and $3,000 each to the families of Edward Engen, Sherman Shoemaker, Jay Gifford, and Richard and Ethel Patzke, the five slain children.

The explosive balloon found at Lakeview was a product of one of only a handful of Japanese attacks against the continental United States, which were conducted early in the war by Japanese submarines and later by high-altitude balloons carrying explosives or incendiaries. In comparison, three years earlier, on April 18, 1942, the first squadron of U.S. bombers dropped bombs on the Japanese cities of Tokyo, Kobe, and Nagoyo, surprising the Japanese military command, who believed their home islands to be out of reach of Allied air attacks. When the war ended on August 14, 1945, some 160,000 tons of conventional explosives and two atomic bombs had been dropped on Japan by the United States. Approximately 500,000 Japanese civilians were killed as a result of these bombing attacks.

It is a sad thing that civilians were killed by this balloon, especially since so many were children. However, in any war many civilians are killed by both sides! A large number of those killed are children also. Not something we like to think about, but maybe we should!

No way to say it nicely...WAR SUCKS! Just my opinion!

Coffee on the patio this morning. We can watch all the birds at the bird bath!

Beware Of The Jamestown Weed...!

Many times nature can play some really mean tricks on us!

Just to show you what I mean, here is the innocent looking flower known as Jamestown weed, among other wonderful little nicknames!

Datura Stramonium

Finally, we have Datura Stramonium. This is a very common, and very attractive plant. It grows just about anywhere there is soil. It can sometimes lie dormant underground for years and suddenly germinate when the soil is disturbed. The plant is known for its trumpet-like flower, which is colored white to pink or purple, and its seed pod which is covered in many sharp thorns. A foul odor is secreted when any part of the plant is disturbed or broken. Draw your initial conclusions when you hear its many names – Devil’s trumpet, Devil’s weed, Devil’s cucumber, Hell’s Bells, locoweed, stinkweed, pricklyburr, thornapple, Jamestown weed, Jimson weed, tolguacha and Moonflower. It is a member of the deadly Nightshade family.

Datura was used as a mystical sacrament in North America by natives, and in South Asia, where Hindus believe Lord Shiva is often seen smoking Datura. It causes intense hallucinations and delirium. It’s unofficial name, Jamestown weed, comes from the town in Virginia, where British soldiers were drugged with it while attempting to suppress Bacon’s Rebellion. They spent eleven days appearing to have gone insane, as this suggests:

“The James-Town Weed (which resembles the Thorny Apple of Peru, and I take to be the plant so call’d) is supposed to be one of the greatest coolers in the world. This being an early plant, was gather’d very young for a boil’d salad, by some of the soldiers sent thither to quell the rebellion of Bacon (1676); and some of them ate plentifully of it, the effect of which was a very pleasant comedy, for they turned natural fools upon it for several days: one would blow up a feather in the air; another would dart straws at it with much fury; and another, stark naked, was sitting up in a corner like a monkey, grinning and making mows [grimaces] at them; a fourth would fondly kiss and paw his companions, and sneer in their faces with a countenance more antic than any in a Dutch droll.

In this frantic condition they were confined, lest they should, in their folly, destroy themselves – though it was observed that all their actions were full of innocence and good nature. Indeed, they were not very cleanly; for they would have wallowed in their own excrements, if they had not been prevented. A thousand such simple tricks they played, and after eleven days returned themselves again, not remembering anything that had passed.” – The History and Present State of Virginia, 1705

All parts of the Datura plant contains dangerous levels of poisonous alkaloids. It is often fatal when ingested by humans and animals, including livestock and pets. Datura intoxication typically produces a complete inability to differentiate reality from fantasy. Other symptoms reported include hyperthermia, tachycardia, bizarre and possibly violent behavior and severe mydriasis with resultant painful photophobia that can last for several days. Pronounced amnesia is another commonly reported effect. Because of the small window between dose and overdose, recreational use of datura stramonium is NOT advised. Overdose, more often than not, includes death.

Just a suggestion here, but you might want to avoid this plant in your garden. Could be bad for your health and sanity!

Coffee on the patio this morning again. Should be back up to the 90s today, so we'll stay in the shade!

Obscure Fact Thursday...!

As you probably know by now, I think of myself as a warehouse of almost useless information!

However, just because some facts may be useless doesn't mean they can't be fun! Just think how much you can liven up a dull get-together with the in-laws by throwing out some of these little nuggets!

1. Hello wasn’t always the first thing people said when they answered the phone. After the first proper phone service was started in the US in 1878, people said “Ahoy”.

2. Bagpipes were invented in Iran and then brought to Scotland by the Romans.

3. In medieval Japan, it was fashionable for women to sport black teeth.

4. Apollo 11 had 20 seconds of fuel left when it landed.

5. The Chinese used “the fingerprint technique” as a means of identification as far back as AD700.

6. Charles Dickens earned as much for his lectures as he did for his twenty novels.

7. When the Mayflower was no longer of use, they took it apart and recycled it as a barn .

8. In English gambling dens in the 18th century, there was a person who was hired solely to swallow the dice in the event of a police raid.

9. The gold ring that many sailors wore were often used to pay for a decent burial after their deaths.

10. A model named Grace Robin was the first person to demonstrate contact lenses in 1930.

11. In ancient Rome, a person with a crooked nose was considered to have great leadership potential.

12. In 1915 William Wrigley Jr. Sent chewing gum to everyone in the phone book.

13. In 18th Century Britain, you could take out insurance against going to hell.

14. The youngest parents in recorded history were eight and nine and lived in china in 1910.

15. In 17th Century England, a woman had, on average 13 children.

16. Out of the 266 men who have been appointed Pope, 33 have died in violent circumstances.

17. Olive oil was once used for washing the body in some Mediterranean countries. It is still, however, a lot more seldom practiced today.

18. India was one of the richest countries in the world until the British invasions in the 17th Century.

19. In ancient Egypt, noblewomen were given a few days to ripen after death in order to remove “temptation” from embalmers.

20. George Washington’s false teeth were actually carved from cows teeth and hippopotamus ivory and were fixed together with metal springs.

Kinda cool, don't ya think? Who knows when facts like these will come in handy! Just doing what I can to keep all my friends from being bored!

How about fresh coffee on the patio this morning?

This Must Have Been Messy...!

Some of the most used things in crime investigation came about from necessity!

We've certainly come a very long way since this case, thank goodness! Sad that this case was part of the advancement in crime investigation. Pretty primitive times back then compared to today, but some lessons were always learned the hard way!

May 2, 1924:

A grisly crime leads to rubber gloves

Patrick Mahon is arrested on suspicion of murder after showing up at the Waterloo train station in London to claim his bag. He quickly confessed that the bloody knife and case inside were connected to the death of his mistress, Emily Kaye. Mahon then directed the Scotland Yard detectives to a particularly grisly scene in a Sussex bungalow, where they found Kaye's remains, dismembered and hidden among hatboxes, trunks, and biscuit tins.

Mahon's suspicious wife set off the investigation by asking a friend and former police officer to check out the baggage claim ticket that she had found in Mahon's suit earlier. Following his arrest at the train station, Mahon claimed that Kaye, who was pregnant with his child, had slipped and struck her head, thus causing her death. He argued that he was only trying to protect his marriage by disposing of the body in the manner in which he did.

The medical examiner in charge, Sir Bernard Spilsbury, had no choice but to attempt to reassemble Kaye's body in order to find the cause of death. Over the course of several days, he painstakingly pieced her body back together from the remaining assorted parts. Missing only her head, Spilsbury was able to discount Mahon's claim that a single fall was responsible for her death. He also deduced that Kaye had been carved up with a knife that Mahon had purchased prior to the murder.

An important investigation innovation came about from the crime scene at the Sussex bungalow: The officers, who were not outfitted with gloves, were forced to pick up Kaye's remains with their bare hands. After the Mahon investigation, rubber gloves became standard equipment at murder scenes.

Much of Mahon's case is bound up in myth and legend. Purportedly, Mahon told a fellow inmate that he was burning Kaye's head on the stove when her eyes suddenly popped open.

Mahon was executed for murder in September 1924.

Funny how so many things we take for granted now days got their start in some truly bizarre ways!

Coffee on the patio this morning. Fresh baked sugar cookies on the side, OK?

Mystery Of The "Stranger" At The Signing Of The Declaration...!

Just when you think you have a pretty good handle on everything that went on during the signing of the Declaration, a mystery comes to light!

This is part of a mystery I would really like to know more about, as the part we do know is so fascinating! Check this out...!

When America’s founding fathers were deep in the volatile business of signing the Declaration, Treason was a resounding word. The signing of the declaration by any man would result in gruesome torture and death by the British Colonialists. With every argument put forward being met with shouts of ‘Treason!!Treason!!!’, talks had hit a stumbling block. It was then that an unknown man arose, dressed in a black cape, to deliver this stirring oration. “They may stretch our necks on all the gibbets in the land; they may turn every rock into a scaffold; every tree into a gallows; every Horne into a grave, and yet the words of that parchment can never die! They may pour our blood on a thousand scaffolds, and yet from every drop that dyes the axe a new champion of freedom will spring into birth! The British King may blot out the stars of God from the sky, but he cannot blot out His words written on that parchment there. The works of God may perish: His words never!

“The words of this declaration will live in the world long after our bones are dust. To the mechanic in his workshop they will speak hope: to the slave in the mines freedom: but to the coward kings, these words will speak in tones of warning they cannot choose but hear …

“Sign that parchment! Sign, if the next moment the gibbet’s rope is about your neck! Sign, if the next minute this hall rings with the clash of falling axes! Sign, by all your hopes in life or death, as men, as husbands, as fathers, brothers, sign your names to the parchment, or be accursed forever! Sign, and not only for your selves, but for all ages, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.’’

You can read the rest of this very interesting article right here!

There is so much more to our history than we ever think about, and when we only learn a small portion of it, the rest remains a true mystery just waiting to be solved!

How about some fresh coffee on the patio this morning! Pretty pleasant in the mornings these days.