Monday, August 24, 2009

Warning !! This Story Stinks...!!.


I went to the local hardware store recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to mess yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off on my quest to get paint and supplies to refinish the Garage. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could have warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Hey, Don't blame me...my baby sister sent me this! I didn't even know she had tasted my chili!

Now, my friends, let's get another cup of coffee...and maybe it's best that we sit outside, ya know?

21 comments:

Felinae said...

LOL!

Thanks for the laugh today, Uncle Hermit.

Have a great day!

Hugs~n~Smiles
~Felinae~

HermitJim said...

Hey Felinae...Glad you enjoyed it and I'm happy that it made you grin!

Thanks for your visit today...

Rae said...

Here I am reading this at 2:30 in the morning. I am having a hard time being quiet from laughing so hard and trying to avoid waking my hubby. This was a good choice for a post on a Monday morning. Excellent. Glad your baby sister shared this one.

Staying Alive said...

Wickedly funny! I enjoyed it very much.

Michael

houstonmom said...

That is so funny. I think we all have memories of being somewhere and leaving a smell. That really gave me a laugh. Enjoy your coffee.

HermitJim said...

Hey Rae...
Glad to see you this morning! Sorry about making you close to waking the husband, but I'm glad you enjoyed the story...

Thanks so much for stopping by!


Hey Michael...
I'm pleased you found it funny, and I'm glad you could come by today...

Thank you for the visit!


Hey Kris...
I'd be willing to bet you're right! One of those embarrassing moments we try to forget and ignore when they happen!

Just a part of life, I reckon!

Hey, thanks for the visit!

Baby Sis said...

Thought this might show up sooner or later on your blog - glad all your friends enjoyed this one! All Mondays need a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Lol, thats funny. Rosarita or Goya refries furnish me with DIY jet propulsion too, but that story is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

HermitJim said...

Hey Sis...
You knew I couldn't resist sharing it with my friends in the blogging world!

Even though Mondays are just another day for me, I try and make it a little easier for my friends that have to work for a living...

I thank you again for sending me this and for dropping by!


Hey Anon 7:33...
Many of us have the same problem...and I guess all we can do is to laugh about it!

Hey, thanks for the visit today...!

JoJo said...

LMAO, That was great my Special One. Everyone needs a good laugh in the morning. Glad you sis shared this.
All systems go for leaving on Wed. I am chopping at the bit to hit the road.

Did it MY way said...

LMAO It's a man thing.

My son and I was in a motorcycle store. We were the only two in the store. I ripped one off, and the clerk looked at us and I said to my son "Keep looking at me Butch they will think I did it". His face got red and he left the store. He was 11 at the time. We still remember it, like it was yesterday.


see Ya

HermitJim said...

Hey JoJo...
Glad you are still on schedule to leave...

I know that you are ready! Hey, sweetie, thanks for stopping by!


Hey Tony...
Funny how things like that stick in your mind, isn't it?

At least you had someone there to blame it on...

Thanks for coming by, buddy!

Kyddryn said...

I'd snort, but I'm afraid to. Thanks for the laugh, Mister Hermit, sir...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

HermitJim said...

Hey K...
Please, don't snort! I don't want to be the cause of an accident, ya know?

I appreciate the visit this mortning!

Anonymous said...

I almost peed myself, I was laughing so hard!

HermitJim said...

Hey Anon 6:53...
Does make one want to just let loose a bit, doesn't it? Just try and control it, if you can...

Thanks for the visit today!

Lydia said...

Made me laugh so much Jim!

Thanks for the laughs.
Lydia

HermitJim said...

Hey Lydia...
Glad I could offer up a little humor today!

Thanks so much for coming by!

TEAM HALL said...

"repaint the store"
Tooooooooo funny!!! Thanks for that Jim!
Yeah, I'll sit waaaay over here...just in case! lol

HermitJim said...

Hey Cath...
Probably a good idea...just in case!

Glad you enjoyed the story...and glad you came by today!

Ashley said...

I used to make that stuff. It was the only way to keep my roommates from eating all my food. I gave some to my daughter one time... It set back her potty training two years.

Hugs,
Ashley