Tuesday, November 4, 2014

An Invite From Grandma...!

Baby Sis sent this one to me and it hits home enough that I wanted to share it with you! After all, it is almost the holidays, right?

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.

If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.
Not 2:15.
Not 2:05.
Two. 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Fred, fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1.The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2.The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3.Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4.Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5.I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6.Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7.I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8.I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9.Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10.Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11.Words mean things. I say what I mean.
Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12.Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13.Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway.
But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You,


Call me crazy, but I agree with a whole lot of what Grandma says. Time to start making "family gatherings" more about the family, don't you think?

Coffee out on the patio this morning. Almost feels like Spring again out there!


Chickenmom said...

Thanks for a good laugh to start out the day, Mr. Hermit! Would enjoy the patio - I'll bring a lemon meringue pie for all to enjoy.

linda m said...

That was the best "letter" I have read in a long time. It is sooooo true. Wish I had the courage to send out something like that. Would love to sit outside as it is cold and rainy here. I may or may not be off line for about a week - family stuff. See you when I get back.

Momlady said...

Would a great letter! So much of it is true, especially about the kids.

Sixbears said...

I'd go there for Thanksgiving. . . and I'd be on time too!

JO said...

This is funny but so true. Me I'm going camping to avoid all the drama.

We hit the mid 30's early this morning lots of hot coffee will fix this. LOL

Rob said...

That was good!

HermitJim said...

Hey Phyllis...
There is a little humor there, isn't there?

Pie sounds good with my coffee, that's for sure!

Thanks for coming over today!

Hey Linda M...
I hope you aren't gone too long. We'll miss ya!

I think nearly all of us would send at least part of it to some folks.

Thanks for stopping by this morning!

Hey Momlady...
Yeah, the kids can seem like double the number at family gatherings, for sure!

Always glad to have you stop by!

Hey Sixbears...
You and me both, brother. My kind of granny!

Thanks for the visit today!

Hey Jo...
You may have the best solution by far!

Thanks, sweetie, for coming over today!

Hey Rob...
Sure glad you enjoyed it!

I appreciate the visit this morning!

Dizzy-Dick said...

I think this year we will eat out.

Dizzy-Dick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HermitJim said...

Hey Dizzy...
More and more folks are doing just that! Lot less trouble, I reckon!

Thanks for stopping by today!