Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Got It Figured Out...!

It took me a while, but I figured it out when I went to the V.A. Wednesday!

What they tell you is just a routine blood test to check and see how well your blood thinner is working is, in fact, a very well disguised full-blown physical exam!

Pretty smart when you think about it! And the nice thing doesn't require the hiring of any additional people!

The normal twenty mile trip to the V.A. hospital, usually more than a little like the old style Bumper Car ride at the carnival, is carried out on the toll way (which is a good source of revenue for the City) and for the most part is uneventful, because everyone on the toll road has paid to be there. Gotta make some more money to give away!

After you arrive at the V.A. the first thing you have to do is find a parking space! This is when the exam actually starts...

1. Eye test....if you can spot an empty parking spot in a 2 or 3 acre parking lot, your eye sight is pretty good!

2. Dexterity test...if you can park a full size Ford F-150 in a space barely big enough for a skateboard with fenders, and do so without having to back up more than once, then your dexterity is fine for now!

3. Endurance test...since the parking spot that you found is usually about a half mile away from the entrance, the trick here is to be able to walk all the way to the entrance, without having a heart attack or having to stop for a breather more than once, then you have passed the endurance test (for now!)

4. Mental state...this particular test is really a multi-stage test all rolled into one! It covers reading and comprehension both by seeing if you can comprehend the instruction part of getting a number out of the "machine"and then read the overhead board where the numbers are shown in green LED lights to show what number is being serviced at that time! The mentally stable part comes in to play when you are forced to sit in a small room, a television droning in the background and tuned to soap operas, and you have to strain and listen very carefully for them to call your number, which they trade in at the counter for another tag with your name on it! If you can do this without breaking down, or striking out, or passed!

5. Memory test-Part one...when you get into the area where the blood is actually drawn, the first thing they do is to take your tag with your name and social security number on it...then ask you to tell them your name and social security number! Now, I'm hoping that this is to make sure that that you are the correct victim...I mean, patient, and not because the people doing the drawing of the blood can't read! If you can remember your name and social security number and why you're pass!

6. Memory test-Part two...after the blood sucking part is over, the object here is to be able to find the exit of the lab, look out over 2 or 3 acres of cars, and try and remember what vehicle you were in and where you parked it! Then the final of the Endurance test as you try and make the half mile trek back to your vehicle without having a heart attack or stopping for breath more that once. If you find it, you pass!

I might mention here that the V.A. does have vans driving around the over-sized parking lot at all times. They say "Parking shuttle" on them, but I think they are really there to grade you on this part of the test!

Anyway, the visit is over for another six weeks, when the fun starts all over again! Now I do hope that you understand this is all an exaggeration! I really have all the respect in the world for the great folks at the V.A., but sometimes I just can't help myself! After all, ya gotta pick on somebody, right?

Now, my friends, let's get some coffee and sit in the kitchen for a bit. Raining again outside, and too chilly to sit outside!


Ken said...


...yep,sounds pretty accurate,you made it there without any casualties !?...

..."you passed"

Sissy said...

It appears you are 'good to go' until the next go-round, Jim; and a much healthier specimen than I.

I almost always scream on the medical scene - especially when they roused me from an induced coma wanting to know who I am and what day it is. Geesh, I just told them a minute ago and I seriously consider buying them a calendar!

Or as after the last visit with a vampire, her vamp-in-training leads me down the 'long mile' of halls looking for the exit, turns to make sure I haven't gone astray and seeing blood dripping from blue fingertips, squeals "Oh, you're bleeding"! I guess she found her way back by the trail of blood I left her.

You sure have the knack for making me come quickly awake at 3am with
grins and bubbles of laughter.

Is your coffee this effective? Fix me a cup, will you...with cream and one spoon of sugar?

Gen-IL Homesteader said...

Haha! Glad you passed! Gen

Anonymous said...

Wow, my BP just went up listening to your experience, I hope your ticker is doing fine. Good day to stay in - its raining down in Rio Grande Valley as well. Nothing compared to whats going on up there in Yankee Land though - wow!

CottonLady said...

A good giggle with my morning coffee! God's fluffing His pillows again up here in the South Plains. Good for the crops. Thanks for another great read!
Cotton Lady

HermitJim said...

Hey ken...
Always nice to make it there and back without running over a single pedestrian or construction worker!

Heck, I didn't even cause a single wreck...!

Thanks for coming by this morning!

Hey Sissy...
It does seem sometimes that they have a knack for asking some very dumb questios at a very wrong time.

Some of the things are so waking you up to take a sleeping pill!

Necessary evil, I guess!

Hey, thanks for coming over today!

Hey Gen...
Always nice to have them turn me loose again to roam the streets and terrorize the neighborhood!

Good of you to come by today!

Hey Anon 7:08...
Good to see you again! Yeah, those poor folks up North are really catching it!

There are times when living in a drier state has it's advantages, I guess!

For those with all that snow...just imagine what a muddy mess when the snow melts!

hey, thanks for the visit this morning!

HermitJim said...

Hey Cottonlady...
Maybe it will be a very productive year for the gardens and the crops! Let's hope so!

Your visit this morning is greatly appreciated, my friend! Stay dry!

Felinae said...

That was cute, made me giggle anyway.

I'd say you passed with flying colors and I am glad to hear you're good to go for another 6 weeks.


HermitJim said...

Hey Felinae...
Glad I could give you a giggle this morning! Always a good thing to find out that I'm still here and most likely will be for another month or so!

Thank you so much for coming by today!

Angela said...

That is hilarious. Glad you made it out alive. :)

Did it MY way said...

Morning Jim;

You forgot the "hurry up and wait".lol

Glad you passed, still six weeks is awful short.

Cold and wet down here, and planting time is very close.

Coffee on me today.

See Ya

HermitJim said...

hey Angela...
Glad you found a little humor here today! That always makes me happy!

Thanks for coming by today!

Hey Tony...

Wasn't much waiting this time, thank goodness! Pretty quick for a change.

Hey, I appreciate you coming by today!

JoJo said...

Good Afternoon My Special Friend, I am sorry I missed coffee this morning. I was filling out appl. for workamp jobs for this summer and then went out with a friend shopping,(big mistake that) Anyway loved you post make me giggle while I read it. Glad you past.

HermitJim said...

Hey JoJo...
I can't believe you went shopping on days like this, if the weather is as bad there as it is! You must have done it for your friends sake!

I'm glad you got a kick out of the post today...and glad you came by!

tjbbpgobIII said...

Man, I know just what you mean, except when I go (every 6 mos.) I have to be there 4 hours before my drs. appt. for my blood work. It's an all day affair as I live about 45 miles away over back roads running wild with coal trucks.How come you have to go every 6 weeks? You that bad off. I thought I was in a bad way, hell if I can't get magazine subscriptions for 6 weeks or less I don't take them.

Anonymous said...

I read #5 twice; the first time thinking if you COULD NOT perform those tasks! God, I haven't had enough coffee! Treesong