Thursday, February 11, 2010
I Got It Figured Out...!
It took me a while, but I figured it out when I went to the V.A. Wednesday!
What they tell you is just a routine blood test to check and see how well your blood thinner is working is, in fact, a very well disguised full-blown physical exam!
Pretty smart when you think about it! And the nice thing is...it doesn't require the hiring of any additional people!
The normal twenty mile trip to the V.A. hospital, usually more than a little like the old style Bumper Car ride at the carnival, is carried out on the toll way (which is a good source of revenue for the City) and for the most part is uneventful, because everyone on the toll road has paid to be there. Gotta make some more money to give away!
After you arrive at the V.A. the first thing you have to do is find a parking space! This is when the exam actually starts...
1. Eye test....if you can spot an empty parking spot in a 2 or 3 acre parking lot, your eye sight is pretty good!
2. Dexterity test...if you can park a full size Ford F-150 in a space barely big enough for a skateboard with fenders, and do so without having to back up more than once, then your dexterity is fine for now!
3. Endurance test...since the parking spot that you found is usually about a half mile away from the entrance, the trick here is to be able to walk all the way to the entrance, without having a heart attack or having to stop for a breather more than once, then you have passed the endurance test (for now!)
4. Mental state...this particular test is really a multi-stage test all rolled into one! It covers reading and comprehension both by seeing if you can comprehend the instruction part of getting a number out of the "machine"and then read the overhead board where the numbers are shown in green LED lights to show what number is being serviced at that time! The mentally stable part comes in to play when you are forced to sit in a small room, a television droning in the background and tuned to soap operas, and you have to strain and listen very carefully for them to call your number, which they trade in at the counter for another tag with your name on it! If you can do this without breaking down, or striking out, or screaming...you passed!
5. Memory test-Part one...when you get into the area where the blood is actually drawn, the first thing they do is to take your tag with your name and social security number on it...then ask you to tell them your name and social security number! Now, I'm hoping that this is to make sure that that you are the correct victim...I mean, patient, and not because the people doing the drawing of the blood can't read! If you can remember your name and social security number and why you're there...you pass!
6. Memory test-Part two...after the blood sucking part is over, the object here is to be able to find the exit of the lab, look out over 2 or 3 acres of cars, and try and remember what vehicle you were in and where you parked it! Then the final of the Endurance test as you try and make the half mile trek back to your vehicle without having a heart attack or stopping for breath more that once. If you find it, you pass!
I might mention here that the V.A. does have vans driving around the over-sized parking lot at all times. They say "Parking shuttle" on them, but I think they are really there to grade you on this part of the test!
Anyway, the visit is over for another six weeks, when the fun starts all over again! Now I do hope that you understand this is all an exaggeration! I really have all the respect in the world for the great folks at the V.A., but sometimes I just can't help myself! After all, ya gotta pick on somebody, right?
Now, my friends, let's get some coffee and sit in the kitchen for a bit. Raining again outside, and too chilly to sit outside!