I wanted to let you all in for a real treat! I have just recieved my latest issue of the newsletter from a man named Neil Sheldon and with his permission I am including here for your enjoyment...

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is the taxidermist leaves the skin." - Mark Twain

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Dear Reader:


I don't know what it's like where you are, but lately it's been absolutely gorgeous in the Ozarks.

I guess some people wouldn't agree with that, because it's been raining a lot. One of the things that always amazed me about the people who live in my teevee set is that they apparenlty hate rain. I know this, because even if the whole country's going through a drought of Biblical proportions, if there should happen to be a few drops of rain that occur during a weekend, teevee weather-people think that's something bad.

That's because when you live in a city and work at a regular job, there's nothing you want to do so much on your weekends as get out of the city and do something other than your regular job. That's called "human nature". The idea of living in the country and doing something that you enjoy to begin with never occurs to teevee people, partly because they're city folks, and partly because they aren't real to begin with.

Oops. I guess that was a little too much information. I didn't really mean to say that, but the truth is, I've been suspicious for sometime about the "people" on the Weather Channel.

I'm pretty sure that they're androids... or maybe something worse. Look at them some time, they all have this plastic-y artificial look and they have funny, weird surnames like the people on Neptune. I mean, did you go to school with anyone named something like Heather Tesch? You can take it from me, that woman is full of solid-state circuitry.

Perhaps it's never occured to you to look, but everyone on the Weather Channel has a strange, unreal appearance. You probably just looked at those artificial features and brainless smiles and assumed that they were all from A Large Western State, but believe me, it's even worse than that.


Here, let me show you a little comparison that may run your blood cold:

Sobering, isn't it? Now I'm not the sort of person who'd discriminate against someone just because their skin was made of high-quality vinyl, but suppose you're having lunch with one of these beings, and you make some innocent little statement like, "I wouldn't vote for Neophozon XK if he were the last Prizorg in the universe" and before you can drizzle bacon drippings on your spinach salad, you're looking down the barrel of a sawed-off DeKragrach atom-neutralizer.

Now you wouldn't like THAT very much then, would you?

But nevermind the details, I'll explain to you about how this planet is being secretly infiltrated by golf-playing, ammonia-drinking aliens from A Large Gaseous Planet some other time when there's less important stuff to talk about.

As I was saying, it's really been raining a lot here and being a humanoid, like many of you folks, I really enjoy the beauties and blessings of rain. The grass is getting so green that it looks like it's electric and everywhere bulbs and wildflowers are unfurling their petals in all sorts of colors and shapes. Song-birds twitter in the trees and the spring-peeper tree-frogs fill the evening with their ageless song.

Everywhere you look, life is sending up new shoots and perfuming the air with the sweet smell of spring flowers and Earth is telling you how happy she is that you're here. It's a glorious crescendo of sight, sound and fragrance.

Golfers and Neptunian aliens, on the other hand, hate rain because it shorts out their circuits and corrupts their ammonia canisters. However, for relatively normal people like you or me, rain is just one more of those things that make this such a nice planet to occupy.

Golfers and Neptunian aliens, if indeed they are not one and the same group, would also dislike This Week's Featured Property because it just makes so much sense for normal folks like me, and perhaps you.

That's because TWFP offers level ground for gardening, a southern exposure for your new solar home, tall timber in the back for heat and shade and sunny open areas in the front for gardening, solar collection and your blatant nudist activities.

Not only that, but it's only four miles from a charming Ozark village and just a short hop from two major Ozark lakes.

In short, while we often offer five-acre parcels, you may have to travel to another planet to find one any more usable and inviting than this.

More than anything else, you need to see it for yourself. You can get driving directions, as well as photos, maps and virtually every fact we could think of to include, all just by following this link: http://www.OzarkLand.com

Oh, and when you're done with that, you should mosey over to http://www.Homestead.org where we've just finished adding new material about bees and honey to the trove of country-style advice and activities. If you ever have a hope of getting out of the city, you need to read Homestead.org.

Then, if your boss is still looking the other way, cruise on past the Homestead Cookbook, http://Cookbook.Homestead.org. Besides having a lot of yummy, tasty recipes contributed by the readers of Homestead.org, you'll find ways to save the world while curing one of the country's major problems. That is, I've included a great armadillo recipe. If we start eating these things, we'll never see famine again.

If that idea grosses you out, maybe you're just having an Emotional Critical. Find out by charting your Biorhythms at http://features.Homestead.org/biory .

Finally, if you've done all that and it's still not 5:00 o'clock yet, stop by http://www.OzarkMountainImages.com and pick up some free backgrounds and screensavers for your computer.

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Now wasn't that worth the time...? Here, let's have some fresh coffee, my friend!