Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A Little Hurricane Advice...!


Here is a case of some "Survivor Humor" from a spry little lady somewhere in her 70's.

She just happens to be a city council member of Devers, Texas. She and her spouse had their home damaged in hurricane Ike...and in spite of that, she was able to create this little bit of advice to share! You have to love her attitude...!

We have entered the hurricane season. Every day till December 1st, you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Texas .. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one.' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple 3-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least 3 days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Texas .. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets 2 basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska .

Unfortunately, if your home is located on the Texas gulf coast, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company that will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Katrina, most Texans have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps ... and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska .

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out.. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver license. If it reads ' Texas ,' you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Texas tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

a) 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, 1.) turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights or 2.) are old batteries with no power.
b) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
c) 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
d) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
e) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that after the hurricane passes you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck! And remember ... It's great living in Paradise . Hurricane season will be over December 1st.


Now, let's get some coffee and sit on the patio for a bit! Hey...Those look like storm clouds to you?

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'd substitute Florida for Texas - either way it's hilarious, even if you've been thru a 'big one'.

11pm new flast - weatherman couldn't wait to announce a new tropical storm in the Atlantic - it's only 2700 miles away !

vlad said...

I buy tires from the same guys for 30 years now.They have never sold tire chains, but were
amused when I asked. I bought
my v-bar tire chains from NAPA.
http://www.tirechain.com/VBAR.htm
A young man at my elbow asked incredulously, "well, where you goin' you gonna need sumpn like that??" After it rains all unpaved roads in East Texas have 8" of the slickest mud in the known world.
When you try to drive to Nebraska to escape the hurricane there will be 17 miles of bumper-to-bumper trafic stopped on all paved roads. Put on your tire chains and drive
on unpaved roads where there is no traffic.
I know you won't buy chains, but please do tell our friends about
my advice. You can all smile, raise your eyebrows and be
very loftily amused. I post this advice now and then because I
enjoy an exercise in futility.
Do take lots of peanut butter, crackers and water. You will
get hungry during the twenty hour wait for traffic to move.

TEAM HALL said...

OMG Jim, that was funny!!!!
You have a fabulous day, my friend! We're having a foggy start to the day...no hurricane in sight!

houstonmom said...

Now that is funny, and too much of it is true. The 55 gallon drum of underarm Deodorant hit home with me. Last year, I had two high school exchange students and one arrived the day before Ike. He was from Germany and didn't own a tube of deodorant. Our house smelled so bad. Dave made a everyone put some on... even the 4 year old. We had RightGuard in one hand and a flash light in the other. Now I have cans of glade air freshner in my supplies. With all the kids, dogs and adults the house starts stinking very quick w/o air circulating and the heat makes it worse. Nebraska here I come.

YeOldFurt said...

Thanks for the laugh Jim, I needed that. Forgot about stocking up on coffee and fresh socks to boil it in.
YeOldFurt

Anonymous said...

Lol, that sounds like a lady who has been there and done that. Thanks HermitJim, I needed a chuckle today.

Ken said...

...yep,the best humor comes from those that 'live thru it'...thanx for the coffee and grin this mornin' Jim...

JoJo said...

Good Morning my Special One,
LOL Good post,that lady was there all right.

Rae said...

Very funny. Sounds like I will never be living in Texas. Guess I will be staying here in tornado alley.

Kyddryn said...

Hah! Thanks for starting the day with a laugh, Mister Hermit, sir!

Kind of makes me glad I don't live in hurricane country any more. All we have around here are tornadoes.

When I was a kid, whenever a hurricane or blizzard was headed for us, my grandfather would say "I don't care, I was here first." or some variant. That about sums up my family's attitude. Of course, he always had a well stocked pantry (meaning several backup bottles of scotch) and a generator with enough fuel to run the whole house for more than a week to enforce that attitude!

Thanks again for the laugh - it's nice to start the day with a smile!

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

HermitJim said...

Hey Vlad...
I know what you mean about those East Texas roads! I lived in Jacksonville, TX for several years...and have seen the time that those chains would have come in very handy!

Gotta be prepared for ANYTHING, right?

Thanks for the visit, buddy!


Hey Cath...
I'll certainly take the fog over hurricane any day! We've been pretty lucky so far, as none have got this far!

Pictures recently of the damage from Ike that is still around were published in the Houston Chronicle...and it's amazing! So much damage still there and so many lives affected!

hey, thanks for the visit, my fogged in friend!


Hey Kris...
That cracks me up! I was just talking to my mother about what we would do if and when the power went out (like it did this morning) and we don't have an emergency radio to keep in touch with!

Shows how much we have come to depend on the tech stuff to save our hides!
Gonna have to rethink a few things here!

Thanks so much for the comment, neighbor!


Hey YOF...
Got plenty of coffee on hand as usual...and if I have to, I can boil me up some "cowboy coffee" without the filters!

Funny how we forget sometimes just how much we really knowe, isn't it?

Hey, buddy, sure do thank you for the visit!


Hey Anon 7:27...
The best thing about being in hurricane country...is living through the experience! All you can do sometimes is to laugh about it at a later time...

Sure does feel good to be around after one has come and gone, and you're still here!

I appreciate the visit...!


Hey Ken...
It's my pleasure, my friend! Glad to see you this morning!

Like I said, you gotta love this old gal's attitude! She and her DH didn't have hurricane insurance...so that tells you about her inner strength!

Thanks for coming by today...!


Hey JoJo...
My gypsy friend! I figure that if I can keep my sense of humor after something like Ike...I'll be fine wiuth all the other stuff to come along!

I sure am glad to see you this morning, sweet thang!


Hey Rae...
Can't say as I blame ya! If I were not already here, I wouldn't come!

One thing I can say about hurricanes, they do let you know ahead of time that they are coming...tornadoes don't, from what I understand! I really don't want to be around either one!

Thanks for coming by today, Rae...!


Hey K...
I think I would like your grandfather! Anyone with an extra supply of scotch and a generator with fuel can't be all bad, ya know?

I sure do thank you for the visit, my friend!

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! I´ll save these rules in my computor. We do have a storm or two here every year :-)
have a great day now!
Christer.

Did it MY way said...

Good afternoon Jim;
Of course here in Florida we have Hurricane parties. Seems there are always some idiot's on the 10th floor of a condo doing just that.

Since we have advance notice I'll be visiting Kentucky when one comes my way.

Post was a great laugh.

See Ya

HermitJim said...

Hey Christer...
Glad if you can get some use out of these tips...alt6hough you might have to change the names to a more regional destination, in your case!

Hey, I appreciate you coming by today!


Hey Tony...
I always wondered about the I.Q. of those fools that want to stay in a high rise apartment or hotel room with all glass walls!

The Kentucky idea sounds like a good plan to me, buddy!

Thanks so much for coming by today, Tony!

JoJo said...

Hello again My Special One,
I can't believe you don't have a battery powered radio. I bet if you dig deep enough into your stash you have one buried somewhere. They aren't that expensive. I bought one but ahhhhhhh I left it home. I am now in Tombstone again, Made it just in time for the storm to hit. But thats OK I was all set up and nice and cozy.

HermitJim said...

Hey JoJo...
I have probably gone through more portable radios in the last few years than I can count! Like you said, I more than likely have one hding somewhere around here.

Need to sort out my stuff so I really know just what I do have!

Thanks for the reminder!

Off Grid Terlingua said...

Very good, those in huricane areas should just pack up and do as a few have. move to terlingua.

nice post thanks

Missi Mi said...

Hi Jim ... we dont get them here and wrapped about that but have to say that was absolutely hilarious!!!! Thanks for putting the smile into my day.

Take care

xox-Missi-xox

HermitJim said...

Hey Off Grid...
I think that is some very good advice...not many hurricanes in the desert, is there?

Might be a little wind from time to time...but nothing we can't handle!

Thanks for coming by today...!


Hey Missi...
I'm glad for your sake you don't get any hurricanes there! It'ws no fun to go through one...

Good to see you again and I'm glad you had the chance to come by...

Ginger said...

Oh my gosh, Jim, I thought I would fall out of my chair laughing. This is hilarious! And of course, all of it true. Thanks for posting.

Frugal Canadian Hermit said...

We don't ever get hurricanes here, but today has me kinda wondering. Seems the information was timed pretty good. They would probably look at me really funny, but I think hurricane insurance is really cheap here too.

HermitJim said...

Hey Ginger...
Careful, girl! Don't want you to fall out of your chair and get hurt! I'd feel bad!

It all rings true, doesn't it? Being from the Houston area...you know what I'm talking about!

At least at your new place, you won't have to deal with hurricanes any more, I'm thinking! Maybe a sand storm, but that's OK!

Hey, I sure am glad to see you back on the blogging circuit again! We've been missing you...


Hey Hermit...
Better to have it and never use it, than to need it and not have it! After all, insurance is one of the few things that we buy, in hopes that we never have to use it!

Hey, thanks for coming by, buddy!

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