Many of us in the deep south are called "rednecks"!
Not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think folks realize just how serious we are about being the best Rednecks we can be! After all, if you are going to be anything...then you should always strive to be the best, right?
In keeping with that aim, I have a training course here for all aspiring "rednecks"! Pay attention...'cause there will be a test later!
Redneck Rules of Etiquette
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your Home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
Dating (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.
* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for all Occasions
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
Now, if you think these rules are something you can live with, then welcome to our ranks! Just remember one thing...no one can poke fun at the Rednecks of the world better that the Rednecks themselves!
That's actually one of our better qualities, I think!
Now, my friends, let's get some coffee and sit in my kitchen for a bit!