Thursday, September 23, 2010

Even Rednecks Have Rules...!

Many of us in the deep south are called "rednecks"!

Not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think folks realize just how serious we are about being the best Rednecks we can be! After all, if you are going to be anything...then you should always strive to be the best, right?

In keeping with that aim, I have a training course here for all aspiring "rednecks"! Pay attention...'cause there will be a test later!

Redneck Rules of Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your Home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Dating (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.


* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for all Occasions

* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.

Now, if you think these rules are something you can live with, then welcome to our ranks! Just remember one one can poke fun at the Rednecks of the world better that the Rednecks themselves!

That's actually one of our better qualities, I think!

Now, my friends, let's get some coffee and sit in my kitchen for a bit!


Anonymous said...

Man, that is so like all the rednecks pics I have posted on my Nether region. I chuckled my way through that list.


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I gotta agree-- if i was REALLY meant to work there, I wouldn't needa bring a beer-- they'd already have 'em on ice!!!

Ken said... a point of interest,i go NO WHERE without my cooler(s)...and WE DID have a burnout contest,in a friends funeral procession in high school...also,i just can't help myself when i holler at the screen during a,thanx Jim

chinasyndrome said...

Great one Jim! I am proud of my redneck tag.. Now if I could just get the Apts I work for to let put cars up on blocks,Oh well guess ya can't have it all!


Anonymous said...

Actually, this was so funny, I had to link it on Genes. I agrees with Cygnus, any self respecting employer worth working for would have the goodies on ice.


Ben in Texas said...

Shoot, Sur wish ah had known them rules when ah married up wif Kathy Jean

Dizzy-Dick said...

My oldest son got killed when he crashed his truck. He had told his wife that if he ever died, he was not to be taken to the cemetary in a hearse, since he was a Ford man and Ford truck man.

The local Ford dealer lent them a 4x4 Ford truck and his coffin was carried to the grave yard services in the back of it with his wife driving and his son riding shotgun. Of course, they had the radio playing country music.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I have never walked into a job interview with a beer. A six pack is what is called for.
Mad Dog don't need no decanting.
Its the biggest truck, not the tires!!!!!!


Bob from Athens said...

What!? Nothing about losing cars or lawn mowers in the tall grass, (weeds) in the yard, or how many dogs it takes to hold up the front porch!

JoJo said...

Good Morning My Special Friend.
What a good chuckle that was. I swear Redneck jokes are always the best.
Coffee in the kitchen sounds good. Its a little chilly and damp this morning.

Selous Scout said...

Frack! Hows a guy spos'ed to live wit all dem rules?

Marjie said...

Where's the yard etiquette section? Like the sofa on the porch rules, and which cars on blocks are appropriate? Also, is it appropriate to hang bloomers more than 2 feet wide on the line in the front yard?

And I always follow the rule about identifying the people in my yard before shooting at them. It just seems more polite.

(Most folks think there are only Rednecks in the South, but my sons assure me they exist here in PA, too.)

Angela said...

Are you sure the people on the screen don't hear you? I was pretty sure they've just been ignoring me all these years! :)
Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Mechanic in Illinois said...

You might be a redneck if your wedding color is camo and your dog is your best man. Thanks for the great lesson.

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

Wonderful, wonderful :-) :-) :-)
Thanks for the laughs and have a great day now!

Small Footprints said...


Wait a minute ... what am I laughing at???? (lol)

Wretha said...

I have a neighbor that I wish would identify who is in his yard before shooting, seriously!

A young couple and their baby who sits in front of us in church brings Mountain Dew (in a can) to church and drinks it during the service, it's a very informal church, at least they open the can before church starts... I just hope they don't read this, they might start bringing a cooler! LOL!